I’m really good at procrastination, which unfortunately tends to blend into writer’s block. I have been struggling to find inspiration to write for the past few days. And instead of just staring at a blank page, forcing myself to crank something out (which truly is part of the writing process and the reason I want to write EVERY day for a year), I went easy on myself. I said to myself, “Okay, you did some brainstorming, and some research, and you made a small effort. You even looked up some ‘Daily Post’ suggestions! Here’s a pat on the back, and you go get some rest and we’ll try again tomorrow.” So far I have let four days go by this way (1/21, 1/24, 1/25, 1/26). Now I am giving myself another chance to get back on the horse. Starting out the day with a post (or four) to make up for lost time. No distractions, just writing. All the other things nagging at me for my time can wait. And I am going to try to be better about scheduling time for myself to write every day so I can better hold myself accountable.
I think this is a great place for me to segue-way into one of my notes from frustrated brainstorming, “WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE?!” (Yes, I wrote it in all caps and included the questions mark/exclamation mark combo in my notes.) I think this speaks to my struggle with trying to write over the past few days. Or, find any focus in general. The priority deadline for admission to the grad school (Bank Street College–Museum Ed) I would like to go to in the fall is on Sunday (February 1), and I haven’t even started the application process. (I think I will still be applying…but the priority deadline is unrealistic because I wasn’t paying attention and I’ve been teetering on the “Is grad school a reality for me?” question. But, it’s now or never, and if it’s never I will regret my decision). On the OTHER hand, there is this phantom hand that is pulling my heart in another direction. Grad school for creative writing- but for once my logical brain is like, “Um…what the hell are you going to do with that? It won’t pay the bills right away, you will be in crippling debt from grad school, AND YOU ARE LIVING IN NEW YORK CITY. Don’t be stupid. You aren’t even that great of a writer to get published.” And then I have to tell the logical part of my brain to shut up because I write some pretty awesome poetry and fiction, and even some funny non-fiction stuff. So suck it logic, you don’t know me. I am all the more determined to prove your smartass wrong. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to make the bet with money and grad school, which is why Museum Education seems like the better choice right now. Oof. I am not making ends meet right now (thank goodness for my savings) so I really need to kick it into high gear and make some decisions. Grad school will be great no matter what. And there are tons of free writing classes out there that I just need to try out and maybe I can get myself more writing oriented in that way, so I can write in my free time and work full time doing museum ed. Wouldn’t that be a magical dream.
I need to be better at limiting myself (and not in the way that you think–I mean that in a positive way). Solving problems is easier if you have limitations. Doing art is easier if you have limitations (I watched some artist do some really cool stuff–I think he did a series where everything he created had to be impermanent. He created something out of matches, lit it, and then it was all gone in ashes. He created art on bananas. He did sand art on the beach. I mean, the ideas are probably endless, but you still have one limitation, which forces you to think creatively and not get lost in the endless possibilities). So I think going forward after today maybe I will give myself a limitation for each day of blogging unless a better creative idea strikes. Most importantly, I just need to keep writing.
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