Some days I feel like I gave up everything for a “new adventure.” I feel like I gave up important friendships and relationships, and ones that were only just beginning that I will never know now what they could have become.
I am stuck. I want to start a life here and find a community. But I had those things back home. I need to figure out how to push myself into the space that my body occupies. I remain shy and introverted, but grasp at any real human connection dangled in front of me. And I feel as though everything I say in the moment is important, but in reflection I doubt every word and I tell myself that was a stupid thing to say (and no one will like you when you say things like that). And I find myself sounding judgmental, even though I didn’t mean to be but somehow the words I said are just that and I am not sure how they came out as such. I find myself being reacquainted with loneliness.
Because in reality, I am trying to recreate the life I had at home, here. I am trying to conjure the places and situations that led to the great people I had in my life. “Back in Minneapolis there were these really great people who played kickball in the park just for fun. Where can I find those people here?” “Back home I had this wonderful group of history friends. Can you point me in the direction of those like minded people?” “Back home I went to trivia with a wonderful group of friends, who for a while were my only stability. Are they here too?” “Back home…back home…back home…”
In reality this is a self fulfilling prophecy because I feared that this might happen–that my insecurities would rear their ugly heads. And to fear that something will happen means that it will happen until you are able to overcome your fear. Stability versus uncertainty and I pushed myself out into the great unknown. Uncertainty has defeated my body before and I will not let it defeat my mind. Because above all I am competitive. Above all, I am seeking a purpose, even though it seems to get cloudier every day.
In reality, this is a different life, with different people, and different opportunities, and those are reasons I wanted to be here in the first place. So I need to embrace them, and find my own path. And probably a therapist while I’m at it.
Minneapolis will always be there if and when I want to return. New York is my now and I have to make it so.