We all have different communities that we are a part of in life, communities that help define us, connect us, and support us. And I suppose then we all go through those times when we feel lost and disconnected from it all, wondering what community we ever truly belonged to in the first place. The fear of being alone or lonely sometimes seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy if we let it eat away at our hearts and minds. Because no matter how much you believe it, you are never truly alone. You can turn around and SOMEONE will be there for you whether you see it or want to believe it, someone is there.
I had a moment recently, a realization, where I felt as though I was an outcast in a community I had once defined as the most important community in my life. My second family who knew I had heart (even when I didn’t), pushed me to believe in my self (when I couldn’t), and to succeed at all costs (when I felt like failure). I mean, talk about a support system. I was recently surrounded by this community and I only felt out of place, almost unwelcome, but really just ignored. I no longer belonged there. And hell, maybe I did the ignoring cuz I felt so goddamn out of place. (I know it’s hard to believe, but I am actually pretty shy sometimes). I was in a different world, a different place in my life, and I had taken a direction that moved opposite to the “accepted path.” I had somehow exiled myself without truly meaning to leave my second family behind. And maybe there was something else to it, some sense of deep loyalty that led me in the direction I thought I should go, away from the community as I now see it.
In the end I now believe, it is not my community that has left me, but a new family within it that I must come to know. Change is hard. And frustrating. And lonely at times. Lots of change at once is even harder and lonelier. But we adjust. Life adjusts. Our communities adjust, and our families adjust. We are never truly alone. And I have a new 2nd family, who will love me and support me just as much as my last, but the thing is, I have to put in the effort and the commitment to get the return. So, in the end, it is up to me. The community is still there and plenty of families await. Saying goodbye was just harder than I wanted it to be, and maybe it’s holding me back. But I now see that families must adjust as quickly to new members as old members must adjust to new families. So the time to mourn is fleeting unless you trap yourself in limbo.
But we must still live our lives and love as unconditionally as possible, because this is how we move forward.